Grand Plans

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I had grand plans for what this blog would look like. Those plans weren’t this. In fact, those plans were so far from this that I had a hard time coming back to this. It was tempting to just leave it.

When I look back over my life, I see that pattern a lot. I start something with grand plans. It goes great for a while (or it doesn’t). Then reality sets in, and challenges the grand plan. Often, my mind will convince me that the challenge is too much. That my grand plan was too grand. Or that it’s not really worth it, and no one will notice or remember that it was even a thing. I say this not because I think I’m unique in this, but because I’m pretty sure I’m not.

In India, my blog posts were one of the few responsibilities I had. Not only that, they were also easy. It just flowed… everywhere I looked there was something to share. My words came without thought, and communicating an idea was effortless. I was in the flow! It’s not working like that here at home. I modified my schedule so that I had a couple of mornings free to write. I exchanged one writing (my daily dose of yoga that I send to the Rehoboth Beach Yoga mailing list) for another on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. I thought it would be an easy switch, but I was wrong. It wasn’t as simple as setting aside the time. It was easy to fill that time with other things because there’s always other things.

And suddenly, it all felt heavy. I felt the weight of my own expectations pinning me down. I felt like I had to keep producing this inspiring and exciting content. And for the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything that would be inspiring or exciting. My mind was really doing a number on me. I felt like a poser. One of my friends pointed out what a huge audience I had at my fingertips, and I shouldn’t waste the opportunity. Then that felt heavy, too. I let all that doubt, expectation, and pressure get to me. I tried to hide from it, but it didn’t work. It rarely does anymore.

Speaking of work, somewhere along the way, my mind classified these blog posts as work. I’m not sure how or when it happened. It was a subtle shift, writing sliding from the pleasure list to the work list. It’s happened a lot in my life. I have picked writing up, and put it down. And picked it up, and put it down. Writing is a powerful practice for me because there’s not room for anything but the truth on the page. And there are times I don’t want to look at the truth. Fortunately, they are fewer and farther between than before, and those bouts don’t last very long. Yoga helps with that.

I remember the first story I wrote. It’s called Speedline Rosie, and I wrote it for a creative writing independent study I had in my senior year of high school. I had been carrying that story around in my head for a long time. When I finally put the pen to the page, it fell out of me. It was so easy. That story won a National Scholastic Short Story award. I got $500 and a typewriter. I had my picture in the local paper, and a story about me. I also won a Governor’s Award in New Jersey in 1988 because of that National writing award.

Suddenly, the weight of expectation was crushing me. Everywhere I looked, people were excited for my writing ability and for my award. I tried to write more, but it wasn’t easy like the first time. I was challenged, and I let my mind write some stories about me as a writer that affected me for years. I did not rise to the challenge. I embraced the stories my mind wrote, and avoided writing because I didn’t want to look at the truth.

Fast forward to August of 2019, when I picked up a practice called Morning Papers. That practice comes from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. It involves writing first thing in the morning, and then disposing of that writing. The disposing isn’t part of the Morning Papers practice. That was included in the practice as it was given to me. I burned my morning papers once a week while chanting Ganesh mantras. Ganesh is the remover of obstacles. It was March of 2020 when I began to write the Daily Dose of Yoga for the Rehoboth Beach Yoga community. That kept us all connected while we were isolating in our homes.

I continue to write the Daily Dose, and I am shifting the balance of what I write and when. That was the grand plan when I set aside the time to write in my schedule on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. I think I need to be wary of anything my mind labels as a grand plan – LOL! I’m not going to lie… it was tempting to leave this blog. And the longer I went without posting, the more tempting it became. Just walk away and start over when I feel up to it. But that doesn’t serve anyone, does it? Rather, I will keep coming back to this, and picking it up again, no matter how heavy or uncomfortable or embarrassing it feels.

I don’t know how many more times I may put this down. I don’t know how long I may go in between posts. My goal was once a week. My last post was on March 26th. I’m not going to be so hard on myself when I don’t meet these goals. And I will do the work to get over the resistance and come back to this as many times as I need to. Perhaps you’ve picked up on my use of the word easy in this post… I sure have! Yes, I like things to be easy. I mean, who doesn't? Hard things are hard. But as my teacher, Swami Nirmalananda always says, you must put in some effort. And I know from experience, that effort always pays off. See you when I see you, Namaste!