Touching Down: Grief, Gratitude, and Grace

I have to laugh when I look at the recent titles of my entries. I've gone up and down, from unpacking to landing to burning up on re-entry. Here we are at Touching Down. I feel like I am settling in to myself and my Self after my travels. I am settling in to the not knowing, and letting go of the need to know.

During my re-entry and relapse, I spent a lot of time thinking about grief and gratitude. I found that I couldn't feel both at the same time. When I could let the gratitude bloom in me, and embrace it, my grief at my trip ending dissipated. My mind seized on this idea. It decided that I just had to cultivate gratitude about my trip and the pain and discomfort I was feeling would go away. It wasn't that easy. So, I did extra yoga to deal with the relapse. I was extra aware of meeting myself right where I was at to deal with the re-entry. That meant grieving when I was feeling grief and being grateful when I was feeling grateful. And I kept on keeping on - one foot in front of the other. The extra practices had an effect, as I knew they would. One of the hallmarks of the Svaroopa® sciences is their reliability.

A friend shared the following quote from Swami Nirmalananda with me, as I was talking about the relationship I was exploring between grief and gratitude. Gurudevi says, "Grief is unexpressed gratitude". With that in mind, let me express some of the gratitude I have for this amazing journey.

I am grateful that I had the means (financial, physical, and emotional) to take this journey, and that I did it. I am grateful to the clients and students that contributed to my ability to take that journey by letting me teach them and treat them. I am grateful to Gurudevi, my Guru, who introduced me to India, to Ganeshpuri, and most importantly, to my Self. I am grateful to my friend Gurupremananda, for her assistance with the details of my stay. I am grateful to the village of Ganeshpuri, for welcoming me home with so much love. I am grateful to the priests at Nityananda's temple who gave me blessings, helped me feel at home, led sacred ceremonies I got to participate in, and serve with such devotion. They keep the spirit of Nityananda and Ganeshpuri sacred and thriving.

I am grateful to the many friends I made who are now family, scattered across the globe. I am grateful to have had many sacred experiences and seen many sacred sites. I layered in the experiences and the blessings, one on top of the other, until I was overflowing. I burned a lot in Varanasi, the holy city of death. I may be learning for a long time what I left on the shores of Mother Ganga. I am grateful for that opportunity. I am grateful to have spent one day in Mumbai playing tourist in all the best ways with the best people. And for safe passage on all the legs of my journey.

One of my fellow Svaroopa® yoga teachers shared this quote with me in response to one of the posts about my re-entry angst...

"Grief and gratitude are kindred souls, each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace." ~ Patricia Campbell Carlson

That really hit home for me. And it got me to thinking about Grace. I marvel at how easy it was for me to ride the river of Grace in India. Open to whatever opportunity might come along, and present in the moment... tapas (the hard stuff) or bliss (the great stuff) and everything in between. I look at this picture and I marvel at the person looking back.

Why is it so easy for me to feel and trust Grace in India? Or perhaps the better question is, why isn't as easy for me to feel and trust Grace here? I know that same Grace is all around me. I live a Grace filled life. I bet you do, too. All we do have to do is see the Grace filling our lives. For me, Gurudevi Swami Nirmalananda, Svaroopa® yoga and Svaroopa® Vidya Meditation have made all the difference in my ability to see. May my experience in India leave me well prepared to ride the river of Grace flowing through my life.