Varanasi contentment

From this title, you may think I am going to write about how content I am here in Varanasi. Actually, it’s just the opposite. I am not having a great time. I am really challenged in my practice of contentment here. Contentment is my word for the year, so I’ll take it as a boon that I get to practice it so hard here in this holy city.

Varanasi is pushing my buttons, and I am really uncomfortable. This is a very different experience than I had in Ganeshpuri, and I am repeatedly stopping my mind from comparing the two experiences. And from labeling one as good, and one as bad. Gurudevi always tells us that this discomfort I'm referring to is our ego rubbing up against God. Which one do you think will win out? I keep remembering that as I fight to stay present with my feelings and experiences. It’s easy to linger in the past, fondly remembering my time in Ganeshpuri. It’s easy to project into the future, to Monday, when I am meeting a friend in Mumbai to see some of the sights. It takes strength to say in this present moment, where I am often flying right in the face of my shit.

What shit am I flying in the face of? Old stuff that I thought I was done with long ago. I feel very alone and out of place here. Narayan will take me places, and hand me over to someone else, or send me off to have the experience. And he’s there to pick me up when I’m done. He hasn’t abandoned me, but he also hasn’t been by my side every step of the way. Does the experience diminish when there’s no one to share it with? No. Perhaps it’s the challenge to the identity I claimed about being as, or more, comfortable alone as with others.

Perhaps it’s the challenge to the identity of being at home wherever I am. I definitely don’t feel at home here. I don’t even feel comfortable going out for a walk to explore, because the alleyways that lead to the ghats are a maze that I can’t make sense of. I’m afraid I’ll get lost. I sat with that and other fears yesterday for most of the day. Narayan wasn’t feeling well, and decided that I should have a day of rest. After the morning Arti, and the move to his guest house, I spent the majority of the day in my room, practicing contentment without achieving it, for the most part.

Other old stuff that’s come up for me is stuff around food. The meals here are quite different from the family extravaganzas at Yogini’s house. I eat alone, with Narayan and some of his family members watching me. The meals are modest and simple, and push my buttons about having enough. I do have enough, and there’s always more, but that doesn’t stop the fear from coming up that I won’t have enough. It’s funny, because in the past I would have labeled those feelings as something other than fear, but here, it’s very clear that’s what it is.

I didn’t realize how much fear I was still walking around with buried down deep. Varanasi has burned away the other emotions that have been hiding it from me. I’m also a little afraid of the wild monkeys – that they will jump on me and snatch my glasses right off my face. I was warned not to wear anything shiny, and my mind landed there, with losing the ability to see. I’m afraid to explore, in case I get lost, and can’t find my way back. There aren’t many English speakers here that I have come across, and my inability to understand the language is an obstacle. And those fears of missing out on something because I am alone and don’t have anyone to experience these experiences with. And those fears of not having enough. Ugh! It’s a lot, you know?

So what do I do? Stay present. Present with the fear, present with the discomfort, present with my presence. I can shine the light of Consciousness on all of it, and let the power of awareness do the work. Today, I have some activities – I am heading to tour a few temples, including the Hanuman temple. I hear the wild monkeys are especially prevalent there. What a great opportunity to face that fear. And I will be doing some shopping at a local market, which will give me a chance to engage with the locals. And tonight, I may head out for some exploring and dinner at a nearby restaurant. I know the way back to Narayan’s house from the ghats, so as long as I can get to them, I’ll be able to find my way. And I’m off!